You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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