If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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