I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
