i barfeds in our rink
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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