Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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