I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
