Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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