I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I think I won the penis lottery.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
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Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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