New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
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OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize