I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
