i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
