i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
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Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
How does it feel to date your dad?
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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