you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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