after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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