We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
