Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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