turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
We had sex on a dog bed..
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Randomize
