I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
