I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Randomize
