Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
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There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
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That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
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