Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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