....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Randomize
