Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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