I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
not ubering you a puppy
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
