well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
