Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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