i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
