Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
