I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Randomize