U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
