I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
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while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
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WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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