dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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