Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I AM VODKA MAN
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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