I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
