so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I smell like Dick and happiness
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
