Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
