Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
