Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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