...so i touched it.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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