They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
