I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
