i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
