I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
