If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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