you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
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I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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