I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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