Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
