Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Randomize
