We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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