chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
