last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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