you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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