apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
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