sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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