We're like a lot better than the average bears
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
