If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
