Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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