i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
birth control should be required to get into college
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
