I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Every concussion has its silver lining
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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