so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
