I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Its about making memories worth repressing
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Randomize
