if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
