He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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